Project X Discussions

Do Self Help Books Help

I was recently asked by a person doing a PH D research project to complete a questionaire about my use of Self Help books.  I realized that I have bought and read many.  I think I have bought more than I have read but still I have read many on many subjects.

I was asked what makes a good self help book.  My first answer is when the advice is sensible and practical.  Something I can use myself to deal with some issue I am concerned about.  Many of the books are too complex and impractical.  One book I really loved was "The Power of Now" by Tolle.  However I could not apply his great ideas.  I love his ideas but I did not know where to start.  Then I read "The Presence Process" by Brown and I found a practical process I could follow.

My first self help book I recall reading was "Children The Challenge" by Driekurs.  It was a very practical book about dealing with children's behavior in a family.  I found incredibly profound but practical at the same time.  The book had a very sane underpining of psychology.  I recall that "iron clad logic of social living is cooperation."   

I have read books on positive thinking, golf, spirituality, yoga, Tai Chi, and lots of other things.  I have listened to tapes and CD's in my car when I commuted to work about two hours a day.  

I have kept an open mind on most subjects and I am looking for new ideas.  Those that are practical and sensible I will use and the others I dismiss.  

I suspect some people think self help books are a waste of time but for me they represent an important part of my learning. 

 

Being Present

Did you know Peter Senge, the proponent of the learning organization, considers presence a very important ingredient for the modern organization?   I was very pleased to see my interest in being present supported by a influential business author.  

I have written several blogs about being present starting with “The Power of Now” and with my experimenting with “The Presence Process.” 

 I found Senge adding ideas to my understanding of presence.  He talks about being open.  At the first level he talks about an open mind, next an open heart and finally an open will. 

To have an open mind, I must note my reaction to ideas that I hear with do not agree with my perception.  My initial reaction is likely dismissal, however if I have an open mind, I will pause and consider another point of view.  This practice is not simple.

I am in the process of trying get people in my golf club to enter all their eighteen hole scores into the handicap computer.  For some background see some of my previous blogs.  My view is that anybody who does not enter his scores is cheating himself and his fellow competitors.  However other people have a different point of view and they do not consier themselves cheaters.  People who like to have low handicaps do not put in high scores “because it does not reflect their true ability.”   People who like to have high handicaps do not enter low scores “because ………”   The test of my “open mind” is to not simply dismiss these people as cheaters but attempt understand their private logic.

My emotional reaction of anger and frustration is certainly not demonstrating my open heart.   My challenge will be enter their world and show respect and love to them.  I do not have to agree with their point of view to acknowledge them as persons deserving of respect and love.  I find it so easy to dismiss them.  I am in the process of learning. 

 I find the concept of "open will" more difficult to comprehend and I suspect I need to have an open mind to the idea before I can make progress.

Peter Senge talks about Shared Vision as the first of his five disciplines for a learning organization.  He says “shared” does not mean downloading from the leadership but but being a vision embraces by all.  I expect my vision of the handicap system is not shared by the men of my golf club.  Without that shared vision, several people are proposing an policing and enforcement system.  However the other element of my vision of the handicap issue is the club has a shared vision. 

I think I need to be more present and open to the other members of our club and likely more patient.   

Ponder This

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in Everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give others
permission to do the same
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically
liberates others.

from 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson

Life Balance and Spiritual Development

How do you see yourself in relationship to the life, the universe and everything?

I mentioned previous the importance of having a balance in one's life among the five tasks life presents us.  One that is often neglected until one is older is the spiritual task.   First let's start with one life's purpose and in the broadest sense I think we want to belong and feel a part of things.  In the spiritual task, the task is to figure where we belong in the great scheme of things.  Generally religion is a search for the answer to that question in a community of people who have similar beliefs and metaphors.  However I think it goes well beyond that and does not need to include religion, although the search for the meaning of life often leads to joining some community. 

I have heard it said that if you have a solitary conversation with a higher power, it is amazing how much she agrees with you.  Thus talking to others about life, the universe and everything can be helpful in our spiritual journey.

I also think that it is a journey and the issues in your life at different points are quite different and the questions you have are much different.  From being a child and figuring where you fit; as teenager, dealing with independence and complex life choices; young adult and finding ones place; a young parent and dealing with your new family responsibilities; etc.   I think the problems and the spiritual development we need at each stage are quite different.  Often we harken back to our religious teaching in our childhood for answers and I think we are looking in the wrong place.  Your relationship with the universe is much different and we and the questions we have are much different. 

Of course many people want a simple answer to very complex questions.  In my experience the answer change with my life circumstances and my development and are never simple.  When something is really bugging me, I realize there is a message for me and I try to discern the message.  Not easy, but worthwhile.  Having somebody to talk with is helpful in those times. 

However I do believe that we all can benefit from taking some time in our day, week or year to work on the spiritual task.   Balance is the key.

Pain and Presence Process

I think that pain is not the physical problem but the result of some problem. The pain is the body's way of telling the rest of the person that there is a problem that requires attention. Often the body
will develop antibodies to attack the problem but sometimes the person needs to do something to help, like get physio or do some exercise or rest that part. However relieving the pain by sedating
it, however tempting that may be, does not help heal the problem, in fact I suspect delays the healing process.

So fighting the pain, which we often do, does not help. If, however, you give the pain the attention it wants, it will be satisfied and the pain will subside. As the pain subsides, we may then take our attention away and the pain will return. Focusing on the area with the problem requires a lot of practice and discipline. Meditation is a great practice for this focussed attention.

So how does this apply to a person with an ancle that is a condidate to replacement? I am not sure but the body sure wants some attention paid to that area. Physio, focussed attention, "making
freinds with the problem instead of fighting it", and anything else that is treating the problem as opposed to the symptom.

The Presence Process and Real Presence

I have been using the Presence Process now for about six months and I would like to share some of my experiences and ideas. 

I think the key thing I learned is that everything is in the now.  We bring all our prior experiences to the presence and sometimes they are really emotional baggage that have nothing to do with the current situation.  For me, I carry around emotional baggage about things should be be fair and my inner child has a little temper tantrum.  I clearly am not being present to the current situation and dealing with something in my belief system.  Over time I have reduced much of my negative emotional charge.  However understanding is only a small part of the change.  Really it really is more at an emotional level.  People who really annoyed me do not ellicit the same reaction in me.

Being a very intellectual guy, I really want to understand things and the why of everything.  Having a mental model of presence is really important to me.  I am gradually understanding presence is really an experience as opposed to issue of understanding.  Gradually I am getting to "know" is a different way what presence is.   

I am a very serious Roman Catholic and for us the Real Presence is an important aspect of my faith.  I am thinking that the presence process is helping me to experience what that really means.  The process helps me experience how I am connected to all living things.  So what is real presence.  A priest I admire gave a homily many years ago about presence that I will never forget.  He talked about who are we really.  Am I my flesh and blood or am I something more?  I think if you cut of my legs I am no less who I am, so who am I really?  What is my flesh and blood?  He suggested that our flesh and blood were symbols of me rather than the real me.  So our flesh blood are symbols of our presence but we are much more.  Thus is a bread and wine are also the real presence in symbolic form as my flesh and blood are symbols of me.  So what does this mean?  I think it means that, for me, presence is an experience well beyond my intellectual understanding and much more an experience.  Therefore the words to express the experience are difficult to find because most of our vocabulary is rooted in a time paradigm.

Also I see this presence process a journey that will go on for all my life.  I am enjoying the journey and all the insights of the way.   

The Presence Process & Law of Attraction

I have been using The Presence Process for some time now and have found the process really helpful.  Some time ago I went to a presentation at the Association of Management Consultants of Ontario by Michael Losier on the Law of Attraction, a book he has written.  Recently I realized there is some synergy between the two ideas.  I am going to explore these further. 

Brown's concept in the Presence Process is that things that upset us are really "set ups".  These things are messengers asking us to wake up and realize they are giving us a message about how we percieve the world.  We can learn from these messengers if we stop reacting and instead getting the message, and responding. 

Losier's concept on this event is that we get back what we send out.  In other words, if you think of the things that are happening to you that you do not like, those are the things you are putting out there and they come back to you based on the law of attraction.   

For example if somebody does something that really makes you mad.  Brown says they are the messenger and the message is that it is likely evoking some reaction based on our belief about how the world should be.  We then react likely like a child, get angry and lash out.  If we can be present to the situation and realize it is not the messenger that is causing us a problem but our beliefs we might respond more appropriately.

Losier says, I think, we are doing the same thing to others that the person did to us and our action is attracting that action from another person.  What we put out there, we get back.  The concept is very disarming but has a ring of validity.  I have not pursued the parellel between these ideas but intend to. 

I am interested in hearing form anybody who has experience with these two ideas or thoughts on them.

Presence Process & Perceptions

I am finding the process is changing my perception of people.  If while I am observing someone or listening to them I do some continuous connected breathing, my perception of the person changes.  I am amazed.  I seem to be able to get beyond the superficial exterior and see the "real' person.  I do not understand it but is is very fascinating.

I have now gone thru the process three times and am continuing to do the breathing exercise twice a day.  It is very similar to meditating.  I notice my mood is changing very subtlety.

I have very aware now of my negative emotional charge which surfaces often.  I am successful in neutralizing the change frequently but not always.  I am certainly aware that I really believe that things SHOULD be fair.  I would like to change my belief so I can accept things the way they are and say to myself, “It would be better if things were fair”. 

More on Presence Process

I am now almost finished my second time thru the Presence Process.  Recently somebody asked me what the most profound insight was for me in the Process.  I think the insight that I carry around this huge negative emotional charge which manifests itself in these dramas. 

Let me give you an example.  Recently I was returning to my condo and found somebody was blocking my parking space.  I got really annoyed and honked my horn really loudly.  As I waited for the person to return I got madder and madder.  According to the process, this event was a messenger that was sending me a message about an unresolved inner child issue.  On reflection, I then need to get the message being sent.  My guess that the message is that I believe that life should be fair on my terms and this event was not fair.  In other words, I was not getting my way and that is really unjust.  Then my inner child had a temper tantrum.  The next step in the process is to thank the messenger and reassure my inner child that it is loved even though everything does not always go its way.  Life is neither fair nor unfair, life just is.  Reassuring my inner child with compassion is the final step.  This will in the long run help me reduce the negative emotional charge and these foolish dramas. 

Already I can see I am changing and can see these dramas happening.  I cannot always watch them and laugh but I am getting there.  The process of reducing my negative emotional charge and continuous conscious breathing are two profound elements in the presence process.

Presence Process & Lent

After having finished the process once I am trying to decide when to start again.  I usually do something during lent an extra something positive so I decided that I would start the process again.  I have found the process quite amazing.  I find my perceptions are changing but I still have strong negative charge.  I have to remind myself of the stages of change.  When I are trying to change, it can happen I intend to change but when the opportunity arises, I do the same old thing.  I have a choice, I can say "I'll never change!" or "that's the first stage of change".  Later I anticipate the opportunity and plan to do it differently but still play the old script.  Again a choice, "Never change!" or "Second stage".  Next stage is I anticipate and actually do the new script most of the time.  I now am at the third stage and the percentage of the time will increase but who's perfect.  The thing I must realize is that change is slow, and patience and persistence is important.  I have found that I really have become aware of these things that I put out there to teach me lessons.  I am listening to the messages and am ready to learn about Present Moment Awareness.  Stay tuned.